Groucho Marx Quotes

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Humor is reason gone mad.