Henny Youngman Quotes

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.