Life is one long process of getting tired.
If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.
God cannot alter the past, though historians can.
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
If I die prematurely I shall be saved from being bored to death at my own success.
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
In law, nothing is certain but the expense.
Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.
Evil is like water, it abounds, is cheap, soon fouls, but runs itself clear of taint.
Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself.
I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.
All truth is not to be told at all times.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
The Bible may be the truth, but it is not the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The dead should be judged like criminals, impartially, but they should be allowed the benefit of the doubt.
The dons of Oxford and Cambridge are too busy educating the young men to be able to teach them anything.
The function of vice is to keep virtue within reasonable bounds.
The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.
The healthy stomach is nothing if it is not conservative. Few radicals have good digestions.
The history of art is the history of revivals.
The history of the world is the record of the weakness, frailty and death of public opinion.
The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.
The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
The oldest books are only just out to those who have not read them.