Dave Barry Quotes

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.