Erma Bombeck Quotes

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Children make your life important.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.