Fran Lebowitz Quotes

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

My favorite animal is steak.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Nothing succeeds like address.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.