Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 1
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 1
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 1
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin American Comedian More George Carlin Quotes 0