Groucho Marx Quotes

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.