Joan Rivers Quotes

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

He who limps is still walking.

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Can we talk?

Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

For as one star another far exceeds, So souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.