Carpe per diem - seize the check.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Reality: What a concept!
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.
We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.