Steven Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.