Funny Quotes

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

I never said most of the things I said.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.