Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers American Actor More Will Rogers Quotes 523
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck American Journalist More Erma Bombeck Quotes 490
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey Canadian Comedian More Jim Carrey Quotes 301
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain American Author More Mark Twain Quotes 67
All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain American Author More Mark Twain Quotes 64
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg American Comedian More Mitch Hedberg Quotes 58
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen American Director More Woody Allen Quotes 58
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. Albert Einstein German Physicist More Albert Einstein Quotes 18
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein German Physicist More Albert Einstein Quotes 17
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West American Actress More Mae West Quotes 14
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead American Scientist More Margaret Mead Quotes 13
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield American Comedian More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes 9
Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck American Journalist More Erma Bombeck Quotes 8
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett American Businessman More Warren Buffett Quotes 8
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg American Comedian More Mitch Hedberg Quotes 8
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright American Comedian More Steven Wright Quotes 8
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. Dr. Seuss American Writer More Dr. Seuss Quotes 7
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? James Thurber American Comedian More James Thurber Quotes 7
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg American Comedian More Mitch Hedberg Quotes 6
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright American Comedian More Steven Wright Quotes 6
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel Mexican Director More Luis Bunuel Quotes 6
I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra American Baseball Manager More Yogi Berra Quotes 6
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields American Comedian More W. C. Fields Quotes 6