A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.