One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?