Life is one long process of getting tired.
God cannot alter the past, though historians can.
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
In law, nothing is certain but the expense.
If I die prematurely I shall be saved from being bored to death at my own success.
If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
The Bible may be the truth, but it is not the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.
Evil is like water, it abounds, is cheap, soon fouls, but runs itself clear of taint.
Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself.
I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.
All truth is not to be told at all times.
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.
And so there is no God but has been in the loins of past gods.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
Be virtuous and you will be vicious.
Belief like any other moving body follows the path of least resistance.
Books are like imprisoned souls till someone takes them down from a shelf and frees them.
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Christ and The Church: If he were to apply for a divorce on the grounds of cruelty, adultery and desertion, he would probably get one.
Christ was only crucified once and for a few hours. Think of the hundreds of thousands whom Christ has been crucifying in a quiet way ever since.
Christ: I dislike him very much. Still, I can stand him. What I cannot stand is the wretched band of people whose profession is to hoodwink us about him.